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| Thats Life.... | |
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| Topic Started: Jun 7 2006, 04:32 PM (8,846 Views) | |
| Z1-Wizz | Jun 7 2006, 04:32 PM Post #1 |
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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I Decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits. 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Aug 29 2006, 03:38 PM Post #2 |
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European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troub lesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zi s mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Sep 14 2006, 03:47 PM Post #3 |
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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother . Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."! At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Moral for women: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!! 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Sep 20 2006, 04:19 PM Post #4 |
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Sep 22 2006, 08:43 PM Post #5 |
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This was a true letter of resignation sent. Mr Baker, As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f-- k with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time. Sincerely, Ted Brewer
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Sep 25 2006, 08:23 PM Post #6 |
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A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far. His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 9 2006, 08:17 PM Post #7 |
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The Birds and the Bees Father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 9 2006, 08:26 PM Post #8 |
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How To Clean Your Toilet The Fun Way Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 13 2006, 04:37 PM Post #9 |
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland. Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: " Polish Remover" |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 17 2006, 05:03 PM Post #10 |
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2 guys were stuck in the desert, desperate for water. They struggle once again over the top of a sand dune and lo, below them, they see an Arab market full of people selling and buying food. They rush down with thier last ounce of energy and go to the first stall, gasping "water, water" The stall holder says " sorry, I only have a mixture of jelly and custard, topped with creme and cherries." Deparate for a drink, they go to the next stall but the reply is "sorry, we only have blancmange with sweet biscuit base and chocolate sprinkles on top of double creme with a hint of sherry" This goes on for every stall, them being offered rich puddings all the way. Eventually they crawl to the top of the next dune, severely dehydrated and one says to the other.....on the brink of death... "did that strike you as odd"; to which the other replies............... "yes, it was a trifle bizarrre"...
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 18 2006, 03:55 PM Post #11 |
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Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow!" And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are. |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 20 2006, 11:05 PM Post #12 |
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A new guy starts working in the zoo. The foreman takes him round, his first job is to feed the bees he is given some powder, he shakes it in the tank, the next day the bees are all dead He finds the foreman, who says anyone can make a mistake, but he has had his, and to mush up all the dead bees and feed them to the fish. He does so, and next day all the fish are dead! He finds the foreman, who says swears and sacks him. He begs for his job and one more chance he really needs this job. The foreman relents and tells him to collect the dead fish, and to feed then to the chimps. Next day, you guessed it the chimps are dead! The guy wants to keep his job, so collects the chimps, manages to chop them up, puts them in a couple of buckets and carries them to the lion pen and the throws in the contents of the buckets. As he leaves the lions appear and approach the heap of food. One lion says to the other lion, “What day is it? Second lion says “Friday, why?” First lion: “Thought so, fish, chimps and mushy bees again!”
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 23 2006, 04:22 PM Post #13 |
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THE GOOD NAPKINS... My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her firstmistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she waskeeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent theother adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!" Isn't it easier to just tell the truth????????? |
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Oct 26 2006, 05:36 PM Post #14 |
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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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| Z1-Wizz | Nov 6 2006, 10:11 PM Post #15 |
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It Always Pays To Check. After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to obsess about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him during sex. It's causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it. "Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Another boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery." 
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1973 Z1 1978 KZ1000 Ltd "Things dont happen to me I happen to things" www.z1oc.com | |
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