When I was 14, I hoped that one day
I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend,
but there was no passion, so I
Decided I needed a passionate
girl with a zest for life.




In college I dated a passionate girl,
but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency;
she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.




When I was 25 I found a very stable
girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited
about anything. Life became so dull that
I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.




When I was 28 I found an exciting girl,
but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another,
never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and
made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic,
but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.




When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious
girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.




I am now older and wiser,
and am now looking for a girl with big tits.
:wxq

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troub lesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zi s mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
:exq

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so interesting that he
could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother .
Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!
At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral for women: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!
:111

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch
or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start
to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.
:111

This was a true letter of resignation sent.

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f-- k with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Ted Brewer

:111

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
:111

The Birds and the Bees

Father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the
'There's no Santa' speech.
At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."
:111

How To Clean Your Toilet The Fun Way


Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog

:111

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of
concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at
drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:

" Polish Remover" :111

2 guys were stuck in the desert, desperate for water.

They struggle once again over the top of a sand dune and lo, below them, they see an Arab market full of people selling and buying food.

They rush down with thier last ounce of energy and go to the first stall, gasping "water, water"

The stall holder says " sorry, I only have a mixture of jelly and custard, topped with creme and cherries."

Deparate for a drink, they go to the next stall but the reply is "sorry, we only have blancmange with sweet biscuit base and chocolate sprinkles on top of double creme with a hint of sherry"

This goes on for every stall, them being offered rich puddings all the way.

Eventually they crawl to the top of the next dune, severely dehydrated and one says to the other.....on the brink of death...

"did that strike you as odd"; to which the other replies...............







"yes, it was a trifle bizarrre"... :111

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are. :111

A new guy starts working in the zoo.

The foreman takes him round, his first job is to feed the bees he is given some powder, he shakes it in the tank, the next day the bees are all dead

He finds the foreman, who says anyone can make a mistake, but he has had his, and to mush up all the dead bees and feed them to the fish.

He does so, and next day all the fish are dead!

He finds the foreman, who says swears and sacks him. He begs for his job and one more chance he really needs this job.

The foreman relents and tells him to collect the dead fish, and to feed then to the chimps.

Next day, you guessed it the chimps are dead!

The guy wants to keep his job, so collects the chimps, manages to chop them up, puts them in a couple of buckets and carries them to the lion pen and the throws in the contents of the buckets.

As he leaves the lions appear and approach the heap of food.

One lion says to the other lion, “What day is it?

Second lion says “Friday, why?”

First lion: “Thought so, fish, chimps and mushy bees again!”
:111

THE GOOD NAPKINS...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her firstmistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she waskeeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?


Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent theother adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?????????

:111

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I
think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around
to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds
the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They
have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
:111

It Always Pays To Check.






After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a
photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never
mentioned
it so why should he.
But after a month or so he begins to obsess about it; even imagining
the
photo is staring at him during sex.
It's causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about
it.


"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

:nn

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

& have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out & make love

for the first time.





Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time &

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.



He tells the boy everything there is to know
about condoms and sex.





At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.






That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"







The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace & bows his head.





A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.


10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.



Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over & whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."



The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

:111

2 women talking in heaven


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both Still be alive

:111

For all those who have suffered in customer services:-


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress
party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so
he
writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just
right as
a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his
disability,
so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel.


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The
long
robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will
really
look the part.


The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So
he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company with
an
accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and
go as a
toffee apple!


:111

Top Tips


DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers, Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS, Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it
to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS, when fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they
set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half
the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will
save your wife from having to do it.


BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start
and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people, Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will
think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.


ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to
the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they
blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last..

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a
sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house
after you've been banged.

:111

The Christmas Card

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple are sitting together watching television.

During one of 'those' commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence (and during the next commercial), the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year....

:256

An Aussie Love Story

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate
chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted
himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a spatula......

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"F*ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

:111

Water vs Alcohol

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one
kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of ****. However, we do not
run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other
liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of
boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking
water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is
unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk **** than to drink
water and be full of it!!


:285

You know emoticons?, well....

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:-) means a smile and

:-( is a frown.


Well, how about some "

A***ICONS?"
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular A***



(__!__) a fat A***



(!) a tight A***



(_*_) a sore A***



{_!_} a swishy A***



(_o_) an A*** that's been around



(_x_) kiss my A***



(_X_) leave my A*** alone



(_zzz_) a tired A***



(_E=mc2_) a smart A***



(_£_) Money coming out of his A***



(_?_) Dumb A***

:111

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

• 2 litres of low fat milk,
• a carton of eggs,
• 2 litres of orange juice,
• a head of lettuce,
• half a dozen tomatoes,
• a 500g jar of coffee,
• a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"







Keep going









The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

:111

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were
determined
to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would
identify
them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought
some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The
next
morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine
andthe scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong
bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning,
Father.
Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them
individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before
you
even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in
their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a
different
colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father.
Good
Morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the
world
do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,

"Father, it's me, Sister Mary Katherine."


:111

A couple decided on a mid-winter trip to Florida. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult to coordinate their travel. So it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow the next day.

Upon arriving, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his mistake.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. She checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here :hzs

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...
She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip.

:111

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

:gzs

An Irish daughter had not come home to her house for
> over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her;
>
> "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why
>
> didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how
>
> you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
>
> Don't you know what you put your Mum and I through?"
> The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff. Dad. I became a
>
> prostitute..."
>
> "WHAT??!! Out of here, you shameless harlot!
>
> Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family! I don't ever
>
> want to see you again!"
>
> "OK, Dad, as you wish. I just came back to give Mum
>
> this luxury fur coat, the title deeds to a ten bedroom
>
> mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5
>
> million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for
>
> you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
>
> convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime
>
> membership to the Country Club...(she takes a
>
> breath)...and lastly, an invitation for all of you to
>
> spend New Years' Eve onboard my new yacht in the Riviera,
>
> and...." The father interrupts her: "Now what was it you said
>
> you had become, he asked?
>
> "The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! Sniff,
> sniff."
>
> "Oh Be Jesus! Mother of Mary!. ya' scared me half to
>
> death, girl! I thought you said you had become a Protestant!"
>
> Come here and give your old man a hug....

:111

In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
>>>>England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
>>>>over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
>>>>Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few
>>>>good humans."
>>>>He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the
>>>>Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
>>>>Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
>>>>
>>>>- but no Ark.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
>>>>"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed
>>>>Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been
>>>>arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
>>>>
>>>>My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
>>>>building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site
>>>>even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too
>>>>high. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
>>>>The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too
>>>>steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the
>>>>Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs
>>>>of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
>>>>passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would
>>>>be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
>>>>
>>>>Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
>>>>Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
>>>>Interest set up in order to protect the owls. I tried to convince the
>>>>environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
>>>>
>>>>When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.
>>>>They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
>>>>They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and
>>>>inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
>>>>
>>>>Then the County Council and the Environment Agency ruled that I
>>>>couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact
>>>>study on
>>>>your proposed flood.
>>>>
>>>>I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
>>>>Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
>>>>The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
>>>>only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make
>>>>matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm
>>>>trying to
>>>>leave the country illegally with endangered species.
>>>>
>>>>So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
>>>>finish this Ark."
>>>>
>>>>Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
>>>>stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
>>>>
>>>>you're not going to destroy the world?"
>>>>
>>>>"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it." :111

Clint always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

He's an elderly man and figures he's not getting any younger.

So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife:

'Notice anything different about me?'

Cheryl looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Clint storms off into the bathroom,undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time,

'Notice anything different NOW?'

Cheryl looks up and says, 'Clint, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Clint yells,

'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, CHERYL?'

'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT! MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Cheryl replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Clint. Shoulda bought a hat."
:soc :soc :soc

I think the life cycle is all backwards


You should start out dead,
get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home
feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being to healthy
go collect your pension,
then when you start work,
you get a gold watch onyour first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol,
you party,
you're generally promiscuous
and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary
school,
you become a kid,
you play,
you have no responsibilities,
you become a baby,
then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like
central heating,
spa,
room service on tap,
larger quarters every day,
and then you finish off as an o4ga5m.

It's got to be better this way because this getting old sucks! :711

A very self-important 1st year student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen


sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those


nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the


moon, spaceships visiting Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed


processing .and," pausing to take another drink of beer.


The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those


things when we were young........so we invented them.


Now, you arrogant little sh*t, what are you doing for the next generation?"


The applause was resounding... :023 :023 :023

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet' pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet' shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet' rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top
to bottom. He then looked at the vet' with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet' patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later
with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at
the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its
head, miaowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet' looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I've already
told you, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."



Then the vet' turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$200.00!", she cried,
"$200.00... ... just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet' shrugged. "I'm sorry. but if you'd taken my word for it in the
first place, the bill would have been $40, but with the Lab' Report and
the Cat Scan, it's now $200.00."

:111

A pirate walked into a bar & the bartender said,
"Hey,I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You lookterrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg?" the bartender asks. "Youdidn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle & I got hit with acannonball, but I'm fine now." says the pirate.

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened toyour hand?" asked the bartender.

"We were in another battle." replied the pirate "Iboarded a ship & got into a sword fight
& my hand wascut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

The bartender asks, "What about that eye patch?"

The pirate replies, "Oh, one day we were at sea, & aflock of sea gulls flew over.
I looked up & one ofthem **** in my eye."

"You're kidding, " said the bartender, "you couldn'tlose an eye Just from bird ****."

The pirate responds, "It was my first day with the hook."

:111

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need
to
enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each
time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in....


P... E... N.. I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** :kqk :kqk :kqk

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she
stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned
18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To
keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day,
about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said,
"you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and
I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her
husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without...."


:111

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?"


The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on
a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the
valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish,
it works just like new. So how come I make £30,000 a year and you get the
really big money at £150,000.00 when you and I are doing basically the same
work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...


''Try doing it with the engine running." :111

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...
"But where's his wheelchair?"

:111

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years.

But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!" :kqk