a husband and wife are discusing life support and the husband says I don't want you to allow me to be sustained by electronic devices and fed from a bottle and so the wife.......................
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grabs his remote and throws it out the window and pours his beer down the sink.

111

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
golf
with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around,
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked
over
and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the
doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this
looks
like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"


256

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate
ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket,
and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into
battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The
captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again
vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the
day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did
you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew
won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of
their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not
two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all
stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted,

"Bring me my brown trousers!"

256

Monkey poo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastid. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a cherry up his ****, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.

111

Johnny wanted to shag a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me shag you... but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...


She said "THE ******* USED COINS!!

111

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1,
you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single; and
I 'm Catholic too!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish."

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The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to
a
Halloween party." 466

A blonde goes into a small electrical retailer. "I'd like that television in the window please."
"Sorry madam," says the manager, "we don't serve blondes."

Upset at this, the blonde leaves. She suddenly has an idea, goes home and dyes her hair brown. Back she goes to the shop.

"I'd like that television in the window please."
"Sorry madam," says the manager, "we don't serve blondes."

Very puzzled at this, the woman leaves the shop again. Undaunted, she goes home and dyes her hair red. Back to the shop.

"I'd like that television in the window please."
"Sorry madam," says the manager, "we don't serve blondes."

This is just too much for her. "Excuse me", she says, "how on earth did you know that I was a blonde?"

"Easy", the manager replies. "We don't sell televisions - that is a microwave oven."

:D :D

Three old ladies named Jessie, Martha, and Pat were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself. Jessie and Martha both had a stroke. But Pat, being older and feebler, bless her heart ... couldn't reach that far....

Embarrassing moment

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A radio station in Australia recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives. This is one of them.

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter."

466

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about.
"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian
men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there
waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep
inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge
opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is
bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big,
fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the
local newspaper read.....
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NAKED IRISHMAN
RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
111

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,

"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply,

"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says,

"If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound
is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply,

"You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass
there are and the exact number of grains of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

"I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply,

"Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,

"The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say,

"This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door! He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
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But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.... 256

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.....

In a trial, a small Southern town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly,
elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you b@$t@rd$ asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
:prx

The Seven Dwarfs
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven
dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, what can I do
for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any
dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a moment and answers,"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns
in Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time,
all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns
around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns
any where in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,
rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their
cheeks, as they begin chanting.....





























"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......

:hzs

PMT.



The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own
hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you anything else?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff........
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
good laugh! Or men who need a warning!
And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.

Another thing to giggle about... My significant other, not happy with
my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so ! he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead..Maybe
next time he'll buy me diamonds.
Here have some chocolate.
:xax

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little from time-to-time, but not enough to live on.
:kqk

5 Corporate lessons


Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the

next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he
say
anything about the $800 he owes me?"



Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The
priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily

slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The
priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at

the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the

priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."



Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might

miss a great opportunity.



Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes

out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!"says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." ****! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my
life." ****!He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."



Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.



Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my
droppings?"replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The
turkey pecked at
a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he
was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Moral of the story: BullshVt might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.


:wwo

politics!!


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh1t." 256

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself :

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my
car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I reali! ze that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water
there is still only one check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really
tired.
:gzs

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "OK old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL these chickens? Look at what it hass done to me. Can't you leave me with those two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says "Beat it, you are washed up and I am taking over...."

The old rooster says " I tell youwhat young stud, I will race you around the Farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive use of the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs "You know you don't stand a chance old man. Just to be fair I will give you a head start"

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster is closing the gap.

The farmer sees the young rooster gaing fast and grabs his shotgun. BOOM, he shoots the young rooster. Shaking his head with sadness he says " Damn, thats the third gay rooster I bought this month."

The moral of this story?


























Don't mess with us old farts - Age, Skill, and Treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance :brt

A rather pedantic penguin (no I don't know what actual type, and it doesn't matter anyway) was driving his beautiful 1957 Chevvy down to Mexico.....around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, he was horrified to see his oil pressure light come on, and steam blowing back into the car Had he been overdoing the aircon? Pinfold, (for that was his name) slammed on the brakes for what it was worth, and the Chevvy finally stopped, rocking backward and forwards on its springs, as 1957 Chevvies tend to. Pinfold could hear nothing but the chirrup, chirp chirp of cicadas, and the ticking and hissing of the Chev.

What to do? Half an hour later, our exhausted Antarctic ami staggers into a small town (Barstow) and locates a garage. He explains his predicament and the owner promises to pick up the car immediately; Pinfold says he will be back in an hour and asks for the nearest soda bar.

In the soda bar, he gradually gets back to a normal temperature (for a penguin) with the help of lots of iced coke, and several glasses of beautiful ice cream....coke being no problemo for a penguin,(with a straw) ice cream a bit tricky without fingers & opposible thumb. On the hour, he is back in the garage, where he can't see anyone, though his Chevvy is there.....he calls out "Yo! Anyone there?" The garage guy shoots out on his roller board from under a pickup, sees Pinfold and says "Hey man, looks like you've blown a seal!"

"No!No! Really! I was just eating icecream!!!!!" 256

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to

the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.



They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.



One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really

all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.



One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would

all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.



Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.



Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has

various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to

find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the

Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to

slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,

Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is

coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."



Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and

both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone

oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I

went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from

God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.



So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP

another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.



So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle

as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."



They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He

was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and

out of him. He was in bad shape.



The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
:azq

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:When the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a
deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could
hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth
time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
:wwo

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Buford: The receptionist
wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aid came out and
asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Buford to wait in the
examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford
what he had. Buford said, "Shingles". So she gave
Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his
clothes and wait for the
doctor.

Finally the doctor arrived and did a quick glance at
Buford's naked body. He said, "where do you have the
shingles?"

Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want
them?"
466

There was this couple who had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******,"

She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids." 256

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She
paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice
cream truck hadn't come along." :laf :laf :laf

I have always longed to be a designer and inventor and recently, I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?" "A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton," I said
"What do you call it," she asked? "A Farton," I replied.
She sniggered and said, "Those are really silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of...well, almost crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
:441

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast? :laf

An aborigine is visiting friends in the US and they invite him out on a bear hunt. they all turn up at a cabin in the mountains armed to the teeth except for the aborigine who turns up barefoot with just his boomerang for a weapon.

While the yanks are arguing about the best way to track and shoot a grizzly, the aborigine slips out of the cabin and disapears into the woods.
4 hours later the yanks are starting to get worried and are just about to go looking for him when they hear a voice screaming open THE F**KING DOOR. they look out the window and see the aborigine running for his life, been chased by a very p*ssed off grizzly with a huge lump on it's forehead. as they reach the cabin door the Aborigine steps to one side and the bear shoots past and into the cabin. The aborigine slams the door shut behind it and shouts through the window. You fella's skin that one & i'll go get us another. :wqc

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously
heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got
the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a
quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out." - and he
shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world,
but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a few buttons and from
somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a
very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says
something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for
each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is
simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

"That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but
very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The
flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains
Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show
eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet. I'm still working out the bugs."
says the inventor. "Look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that
the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a
digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125
meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all,
the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,
"though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far." finishes Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand - it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a cheque book.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready
for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in
front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now.
$15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget the batteries!"
:kqk

Why don't sharks ever eat solicitors????










Profesional courtesy.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very
nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"?
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has
only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were
his) calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you"
To which he is answered,” I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to
frequent your public house"
The barman says,” I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses
came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"
The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what
happened"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Blimey !" said the barman,” what from?".
After a short pause.
The rabbit said... " Mixing me toasties "

:256

LITTLE JOHNNY STIKES AGAIN

Aschool teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word ”fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried. :wwo

WOMAN'S DIARY: Saturday 29th April 2006.

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I
suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I
wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated, but followed. I asked
him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his
head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later
he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant
and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me,
and that he had found someone else...
I cried myself to sleep.


MAN'S DIARY: Saturday 29th April 2006.

Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then,
gutted!

Got a shag though.
:ljg

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he
put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.
You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even
one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too
un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the
sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. . . . :laf

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV
set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where
they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on
the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her
to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set
and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The
purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
:xmx

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator." :qzq

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy
is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots
and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again. You're in my cupboard
now"
:256

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

:441

Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.



Personally, I think it's prosthetic.... :wwo

Midlife Crisis....
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years Ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched A 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 Year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma Screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that You are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 Year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in A cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... :tthu