> Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
>
>
> One turns to the other and says "dam"
>
>
> **********
>
>
> Two peanuts walk into a bar
>
>
> One was assaulted.
>
>
> **********
>
>
> A jump-lead walks into a bar.
>
>
> The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
>
>
> **********
>
>
> A sandwich walks into a bar.
>
>
> The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
>
>
> **********
>
>
> A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
>
> **********
>
>
> A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says:
>
>
> "A beer please, and one for the road."
>
>
> **********
>
>
> Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
>
>
> The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
>
>
> *********
>
>
> Two cannibals are eating a clown.
>
>
> One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
>
>
> **********
>
>
> "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
>
>
> sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
>
>
> "Is it common?"
>
>
> "It's not unusual."
>
>
> **********
>
>
> Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
>
>
> "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
>
>
> "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
>
>
> "It's true, no bull!"
>
>
> **********
>
>
> Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
>
>
> One says, "I've lost my electron."
>
>
> "Are you sure?"
>
>
> The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
>
>
> **********
>
>
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
> is
>
>
> there anything you can do for him? "
>
>
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>
>
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
>
> Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>
>
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
>
>
> "No, because he's really heavy"
>
>
> **********
>
>
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>
>
> find any.
>
>
> ********** I went to the butchers the
>
>
> other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off
>
>
> the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
>
>
> **********
>
>
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>
>
> He was pulled in by a strong currant.
>
>
> *********
>
>
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
>
>
> nuts
>
>
> & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>
> **********
>
>
> What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>
>
> A fsh
>
>
> *********
>
>
> Two fish are in a tank
>
>
> One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
>
> :kqk

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."




This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."





I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."





I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.




Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."

I said "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said, "You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"

He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"

He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.



I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"

He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"


:lafy